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What is wrong with me?Tue, Dec 5th 2006
I am always angry, irritated that my children are around me, and sad all at once. I have been diagnosed with Post tramatic stress and depression. I have been on and off med\'s for the past 5 years (mainly Paxil and Wellbutrin). The drugs have either left me feeling emotionally dead, or haven\'t been working. I came of the Paxil about 6 weeks ago (life has been hell ever since).
My parents split up (when they were actually together) when I was 3 (shortly after my sister was born) and I went to live with my grandparents. When I was 4 my dad receive custody (my mom didn\'t want us). At 5 my dad started sexually abusing me, at 8 he raped me. When I was 10 I told my grandparents about the abuse. We were taken from him, lived with my grandparents for the summer and then were sent to live with my mother and her husband. We then had to go to court and tell the judge about the abuse. He was convicted on my testimony (my sisters was thrown out, she got confused. The lawyer was cruel and confused her, she was only 8) At 11, My dad commited suicide by crashing his car into the tree across from my house (I was outside at the time). At 12 my parents had a new baby. We were no longer wanted. I lived in foster care on and off during my teen years, but mainly bounced from home to friends house. At 15 I became sexually active and slept with many men (mainly 5-6+ years older). As I would say, looking for love in all the wrong places. At 18 I moved out of my parents house for good and onto my own. Shortly there after I dropped out of high school and me the man I married to today. (I love my husband. He is a good man) I don\'t know how I lucked out with him, but he faithful, doesn\'t abuse me in anyway, and takes good care of his kids (no abuse). I should be happy, but I am not. I resent my kids, I resent myslef. I am angry all the time. I have been to numerous consellours from the time I was 11 until just a few years ago. They don\'t help. I don\'t want to abandon my children (like my parents did), but I want it all to end. I feel trapped and I don\'t know how to deal with it. Any ideas?
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